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Alien 3000
(2004) (aka Unseen Evil 2)
Plot
A group of researchers head out to a
remote cavernous area where legend has it that an invisible monster guards a
horde of gold. They bring along with them a survivor of a previous
expedition to the caves and she seems to be the only one who knows where
they are. But the monster wasn't a figment of her imagination - it's real
and it's still there.
Review
Why? Just why? Why does stuff like
this get made? Why do I watch these films? Why do I even bother wasting my
time writing about them? I'm really running short of things to say about
these rubbish, not even
bottom-of-the-barrel-but-more-like-underneath-the-barrel films. Pathetic.
Alien 3000 looks kick ass from the front cover but I have never learned
lessons from previous failures - whenever the front cover promises too much,
then ultimately the film delivers nothing. It's happened time and time again
but I never seem to learn. Scientific studies need to be conducted on the
likes of me to find out why I keep going back to them time after time. Like
moths to a light, I keep suffering but I can't resist the lure.
Alien 3000
is a sequel to Unseen
Evil, which also went by a different name in the UK under the guise of
The Unbelievable - why can't they stick with original names? Here
we've got two films meant to be in a series together yet they get released
under totally different names. Logically I see their reasoning - if I'd have
seen it was The Unbelievable 2, then I'd have moved swiftly on to the
next film. But then maybe that would have been Unseen Evil 3 and
re-named something else. Shopping for DVDs like this can be a minefield when
you don't know the original title and any potential links to previous films.
To prove that it is a sequel, the writers bring back the only surviving
character from the first film. Only she's played by a different actress so
unless you check up on IMDB, there's no way of linking the two films
together. Quite why they needed to bring her back is beyond me as apparently
she's the only person who knows where the cave is yet during the film, so
many people find it you'll wonder where it's one of those morbid tourist
attractions in backwoods America. It serves it's purpose by having a few
flashbacks to what happened before and thus pads out the running time with
some used footage.
At no point do I remember the alien looking anything as remotely terrifying
as the thing on the front cover. For most of the film it's camouflaged with
a Predator-like invisibility shield and when it is visible, it looks about
as scary as that geeky guy who goes to Halloween parties dressed up as
something from Doctor Who. The CGI is appalling and it doesn't even look to
be the same creature at times. Did they just lift footage from another film?
There's no reasoning as to why it remains guarding the treasure. Is the
treasure from an alien world? Does the alien just like hording junk? Does it
not have anywhere else to live apart from a cave? It doesn't have much
problem in dispatching the commando team and the scientists. The group of
no-dimensional characters who spend their time drinking, having sex and
swearing profusely are no match for this beast. At least the film is gory
and there are a lot of people waiting to die horrible deaths. It's a pity
that the deaths are so comically over-done and so repetitive.
Verdict
Alien 3000 is way to inept
and pathetic to even try and appear like it's a good film. Lousy acting,
terrible script, the worst special effects I've seen for a long time - I
could go on and on but the bottom line is that this film is utter crap. I
wonder if, when I die, the Almighty will allow me to live for another 81
minutes out of respect for the time I wasted with this. He's got to take
pity on me for wasting that time when I could have been saving the world and
making it a better place. |
