Anaconda 3: The Offspring
(2008)
Director:
Don E. FauntLeRoy
Starring: Crystal Allen, David Hasselhoff
Run Time: 96 mins
Certificate: 15
Plot Outline: In a secret research facility, two giant
snakes are being bred by a brilliant scientist. But when the wealthy financier
behind the experiments pushes the snakes too far, they escape from the facility,
hungry, heading for civilisation and expecting a litter. Ruthless snake hunter
and mercenary, Hammett, is hired to track the snakes down before it's too late.
The Review: The second sequel to the modestly
successful (and let's face it, mildly entertaining) Anaconda sees The
Hoff himself, David Hasselhoff, pitted against a deadly CGI snake duo. It's a
major comedown after watching Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube and Jon Voight tussle
with the snake back in 1997 but 11 years later, who really cares? The film
series has been confined to the straight-to-TV basement bin and rightfully so.
It's not like we haven't seen this thing recently (Python, King Cobra,
er...Boa Vs Python, etc) and there's only so much originality a giant
snake flick can have. The Sci-Fi Channel has resurrected this series for
financial gain as it has nothing to do with the earlier two films and could have
been just another snake film had it not been slapped with the "Anaconda"
moniker. Damn them and their endless supply of cheap killer animal flicks!
The film follows the standard "killer animal escapes remote science lab" plot to
the wire. We're shown the security measures at the facility, only for them to be
broken moments later. We're shown plenty of security guards and personnel
standing around in non-speaking parts only to be fed to the creatures when they
escape. We are told plenty of facts about the snakes to make them appear more
threatening and intelligent than they really are. Then as soon as the snakes are
free we're given numerous token characters to throw into danger. If you've seen
one of these killer snake films, then you've seen them all. And if you haven't
seen one, then please don't start!
The snakes look really bad.
It's almost as though CGI is getting progressively worse when it should be
getting better. The snakes stick out like a sore thumb from the undergrowth they
are supposed to be hiding it. Weather, lighting and natural conditions seem to
have no affect on these snakes as they are exactly the same colour and shape
every time you see them - sort of like a shiny piece of piping. They can strike
from anywhere without the slightest rustle of a bush or breaking or a branch.
This flick also has the unfortunate tendency to use CGI gore effects instead of
a bit of make-up and corn syrup. I guess that has something to do with the
snakes deciding to bite people's heads off instead of crushing them to death,
like anacondas are supposed to do. It does manage to eat a few people whole
including an unlucky farmer who goes into his barn to investigate a noise,
knocks himself out cold and then wakes up to find himself half in the snake's
mouth.
Whether you love him or hate him,
Hasselhoff does have a massive fan base and it's cheesy films like this that
cement his ultimate B-grade celebrity status. He's not the greatest actor alive
but he's entertaining enough in his roles be it charming the pants off a hot
chick or trading punches with someone. Surprisingly, he's not actually that bad
here and his whole persona fits the mercenary role of Hammett to a tee. He hams
it up and overacts but why not? He knows the film is just a pay cheque and at
least it gives the viewer a few chuckles and cringes along the way. He doesn't
have a lot to do in the film though so it's a criminal waste of his "talents."
John Rhys-Davies has a small role as the financier who causes the snakes to
escape. He could have played the role in his sleep such is it's complexity. All
he needs to do is remind everyone of how much money the project is costing, that
he wants results and that he wants everything covered up when the snakes get
out. I keep forgetting that he was Gimli in the Lord of the Rings trilogy
so why the hell he's returned to these cheap schlock sci-fi horrors is beyond
me. Crystal Allen does her "hot blonde scientist in a tight white tank top"
thing to perfection and had me hooked. It's a pity that the film just wastes her
character with sloppy interaction with Hasselhoff's mercenary.
Final Verdict: Even giant snakes know not to Hassle
the Hoff. It's a sad state of affairs to claim that the Hoff is the best part of
your film but that's the only claim to fame that Anaconda 3: The Offspring
is going to get. It's arguably one of the Sci-Fi Channel's better killer monster
flicks but that's like saying you'd rather kiss a turd than drink piss. Either
way you're screwed.
Rating:
