Aquanoids (2003)

Plot Outline: In 1987 a young couple swimming were killed by an underwater creature named an "aquanoid" by the locals. 16 years later and the town is preparing for the 4th of July celebrations when the aquanoids decide to return and start their deadly rampage.

The Review: The first impression that I got from the box was that this was going to be a cheapo update of Humanoids from the Deep but how wrong I was. It's a low budget indie flick which means it has little in the way of production values. Face it, all indie films are like this, no matter whether they're good or not. But because the subject matter involves filming on water, then the whole thing turns into some sort of holiday home video where someone has taken a camcorder out whilst they've been fishing. Harsh to say but undeniably true. The whole "monster terrorises town approaching festival" plot has been done to death and resurrected and done to death again. This time we have a corrupt mayor who's financial backer wants to pull the plug on the deal (we never find out what deal it is, could be drugs for all we know) if the situation gets out of hand. If you had this mayor running your town, then may God help you! There's a few unnecessary characters thrown into the mix including a reporter who actually has sex with the financial backer for a story and then disappears. There's the main heroine's boyfriend who also meets a script dead-end. And if one wants to keep picking apart the plot, just what are "aquanoids" supposed to be - mutations? Why do they only turn up every 16 years? Give some damn explanations for crying out loud. I can't accept that some mutant fish just appears and kills people. At least have it created by scientists or mutated by toxic chemicals. In order to proclaim itself as a "hip, self-aware" film, there is one pointless scene where a group of characters sit on the beach discussing far superior "sea monster" flicks from the past. Kudos Mr Scriptwriter, you showed the audience that you can rip off even the worst rip-offs of them all. Laura Nativo is well cute in the lead role but despite the 18 rating and the promise of sex on the box, she doesn't bare anything. The script (and myself) were dying for a brief flash of inspiration! But the rest of the cast are appalling, in particular the mayor who has some excruciatingly bad moments. And I can't end the review without mentioning the special make-up effects. Or lack thereof. Attacks consist of a shot of an aquanoid hand, a really bad gore shot and then some bloody water. The creatures themselves look like the dude who got melted by toxic waste at the end of Robocop. Not great at all.

Final Verdict: Aquanoids reminds me of the appalling Troma output of the 80s and is a prime example of how little budget and talent really can make such a bad film. With poor acting, poor direction, practically zero production values and a lack of overall effort, you wonder why some people bother trying to make it in the film business.

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