Alien 3000 (2004)

Alien 3000 (2004)

If you see it, you’re already dead

A group of researchers head out to a remote cavernous area where legend has it that an invisible monster guards a horde of gold. They bring along with them a survivor of a previous expedition to the caves and she seems to be the only one who knows where they are. But the monster wasn’t a figment of her imagination – it’s real and it’s still there.

 

Why? Just why? Why does stuff like this get made? Why do I watch these films? Why do I even bother wasting my time writing about them? I’m really running short of things to say about this rubbish, not even bottom-of-the-barrel-but-more-like-underneath-the-barrel films. Pathetic. Alien 3000 looks kick ass from the front DVD cover but I have never learned lessons from previous failures – whenever the front cover promises too much, then ultimately the film delivers nothing. It’s happened time and time again but I never seem to learn. Scientific studies need to be conducted on the likes of me to find out why I keep going back to them time after time. Like moths to a light, I keep suffering but I can’t resist the lure.

Alien 3000 is a sequel to Unseen Evil, which also went by a different name in the UK under the guise of The Unbelievable – why can’t they stick with original names? Here we’ve got two films meant to be in a series together yet they get released under totally different names. Logically I see their reasoning – if I’d have seen that it was The Unbelievable 2, I’d have moved swiftly on to the next film. But then maybe that would have been Unseen Evil 3 and re-named something else. Shopping for DVDs like this can be a minefield when you don’t know the original title and any potential links to previous films.

To prove that it is a sequel, the writers bring back the only surviving character from the first film. Only she’s played by a different actress so unless you check up on IMDB, there’s no way of linking the two films together. Quite why they needed to bring her back is beyond me as apparently she’s the only person who knows where the cave is yet during the film, so many people find it that you’ll wonder where it’s one of those morbid tourist attractions in backwoods America. Her presence serves its purpose by having a few flashbacks to what happened before and thus pads out the running time with some recycled footage.

At no point do I remember the alien looking anything as remotely terrifying as the thing on the front cover. For most of the film it’s camouflaged with a Predator-like invisibility shield and when it is visible, it looks about as scary as that geeky guy who goes to Halloween parties dressed up as something from Doctor Who. The CGI is appalling and it doesn’t even look to be the same creature at times. Did they just lift footage from another film? There’s no reasoning as to why it remains guarding the treasure. Is the treasure from an alien world? Does the alien just like hording junk? Does it not have anywhere else to live apart from a cave? It doesn’t have much problem in dispatching the commando team and the scientists. The group of no-dimensional characters who spend their time drinking, having sex and swearing profusely are no match for this beast. At least the film is gory and there are a lot of people waiting to die horrible deaths. It’s a pity that the deaths are so comically over-done and so repetitive.

 

Alien 3000 is way too inept and pathetic to even try and appear like it’s a good film. Lousy acting, terrible script, some of the worst special effects I’ve seen for a long time – I could go on and on but the bottom line is that this film is utter crap. I wonder if, when I’m about to die, the Almighty will allow me to live for another eighty-one minutes out of respect for the time I wasted with this. He’s got to take pity on me for wasting that time when I could have been saving the world and making it a better place.

 

 ★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ 

 

 

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