Anaconda 4: Trail of Blood (2009)

Anaconda 4: Trail of Blood (2009)

Bigger, Faster, Hungrier

Determined to make amends for her previous mistakes, Amanda heads into the Carpathian Mountains to destroy the research of a fellow scientist who has been trying to create an anti-aging formula using the Blood Orchids. However once again the experimental anacondas that he was modifying with the Blood Orchid escape into the mountains and begin to cause carnage.

 

The third sequel to Anaconda takes a dramatic nosedive for the worst (if at all possible) even after the dreadful mess that was Anaconda 3: The Offspring. Why? Well it’s sad to say it but this film really needed David Hasselhoff. He gave the previous sequel a little cheesy edge whereas this one just goes straight for the generic killer snake formula. If you’ve seen one killer snake film then you’ve seen them all and this one is no exception. See, the memorable thing about the last one was that it had The Hoff in it – whether that’s good or bad is irrelevant but at least I remember it. However this one is no different to the likes of Boa Vs Python or Python 2 in which stock characters run around the woods for a lot of the running time.

I’m really struggling for comments to make on this one in all honesty. It’s just so bland. It’s just so ‘meh’ that it pains me to even think I bought this (and promptly re-sold after watching). At least the original two films were set in the jungle where you had rivers, canyons and the sweltering heat. They gave some credibility to the notion that these giant anacondas were living in remote parts of the Amazonian rainforest. But here the snakes are just set loose in someone’s back woods. You know the sort where college kids go to make their first zombie movie. This film finally pushed me over the boundaries of tolerance towards the continual use of filming in Eastern European countries. Fair enough it’s all well and good to shoot in these places. But I’m just sick of seeing rubbish Romanian or Bulgarian two-bit actors clogging up most of the supporting roles in this type of film. Their accents are usually thick and heavy and they’ve got as much charisma as a wet paper bag filled with dog turds. I’m sick of seeing the same setting for every one of the Sci-Fi Channel’s monster movies. These European woods aren’t the scariest places to be lost in and they all blur into one.

The snakes look as bad as ever. This time not only do they constantly change their size but they seemingly smile at the camera! The attack scenes are animated terribly and the gore is all CGI once more. I never realised that snakes usually bite the heads off their victims first – whatever happened to the coiling, the crushing and the slow digestion that Jon Voight’s character suffered in the first one? Once again the snakes have had a stealth gene inserted into their DNA which means they can sneak up on anyone, hang from trees or move through bushes and wooded areas without making a sound. Their appearance is nice and shiny and they don’t create shadows, trails on the floor or give any indications that they were actually there. It’s a wonder the humans actually manage to kill them in the end!

Crystal Allen reprises her role as Amanda from the previous film and yet again does the ‘cute scientist in a tank top’ role to perfection but you’ll buy her as a scientist as much as I ever bought Gordon Brown as a Prime Minister. John Rhys-Davies turns up again to get paid. Maybe he enjoys these low budget shindigs? And the rest of the cast is filled with Romanian wannabe actors with really bad accents and all clearly auditioning to be the next bad guy in a Steven Seagal flick.

 

Anaconda 4: Trail of Blood is so bad that I can’t even think of a decent summary. It’s just a nothing flick which could easily be any other snake film with the Anaconda mantra slapped on to trick people into thinking that it’s a sequel of sorts. It’s demonstrative of the Sci-Fi Channel’s sloppy and generally poor attitude to making even average films any more.

 

 ★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ 

 

 

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