Boa Vs Python (2004)

Boa Vs Python (2004)

Get ready to rumble

A rich hunter imports a giant python from South America in order to turn it loose in a private reserve and have a bunch of wealthy hunters pay big money to come and join him hunt it. Unfortunately for him, the python breaks free during transport and takes up residence at a water treatment facility. The FBI daren’t risk sending in agents to kill it so they enlist the help of Dr Emmett, who has been raising a giant boa constrictor in a lab, and decide to get the boa to track it down and kill it.

 

Jumping on the “versus” bandwagon that seems to be rolling since the success of Freddy Vs Jason and Alien Vs Predator isn’t a good idea when your two main draws are relatively unknown B-movie monsters. It’s not an official sequel to Boa or Python 2 but considering that the director David Flores was the editor involved in both of those films, it’s highly convenient that he should decide to pair them up to fight each other. Hardly going to rank up there with the greatest of cinematic tussles like King Kong Vs Godzilla, Boa Vs Python is pretty much the same film as the other two, only with two snakes instead of one.

I’ve got a big beef with the plot though. I don’t know about you but if I ever had a giant snake on the loose, the last thing I would do is RELEASE ANOTHER GIANT SNAKE to track it down. This obvious plot discrepancy aside, I’m guessing we’re supposed to root for the boa constrictor since it was brought up by the good doctor and the python is the one doing all of the evil stuff. The two snakes don’t actually fight each other until the final ten minutes and even then the fight only lasts for a moment or two before it’s unceremoniously stopped. I don’t know about you, but when I sit down to watch a film called Boa Vs Python I demand just a little more for my money.

The snakes aren’t given that much screen time anyway, even if they’re not fighting each other. Considering we have two snakes, I expect twice as much footage as I would if we only had one snake. Even snake versus human action is lacking and quite a few kills either happen off screen or you just see someone getting dragged away before they’re finished off. What happened to cheap CGI effects showing us the CGI monsters ripping off the heads of their victims? The effects look as bad as one would expect, with both snakes being different colours so you can tell the difference (clever, eh?) so why they couldn’t extend this to a few moments of cheap CGI gore is beyond me. This is pushing it a bit but maybe they could have shown us the scene from the poster in which the two snakes are fighting amongst skyscrapers with a helicopter shooting at them. As expected, that scene is nowhere to be seen in the final version of the film.

At least the film has some non-CGI eye candy in the shapely shapes of Jaime Bergman and Angel Boris, two former Playmates, who act as the token scientist and the token slut respectively. Only one gets naked but its soooooo obligatory that I almost went mad with laughing as Angel Boris soaps herself down slowly in a bath tub, guiding her hands slowly across her breasts and…………sorry getting a bit carried away there. Yes it’s the most obligatory naked scene you’re going to come across ever – she even spends the next five minutes naked too. Jaime Bergman looks too nice to be a out-and-out scientist (you know, the Denise Richards type of being hot-to-trot but too good looking to be believable as a nuclear physicist). However for someone who works with dolphins, she does have that endearing bubbly charm where you know she’ll care for her animals and soppy stuff like that. But who cares. She’s a former Playmate too so why couldn’t she have been contracted for a shower scene or something.

Also of worthy note is Adam Kendrick, a Brit who plays the rich hunter. At one point he strips off his shirt to reveal his massively bulked up and glistening body in front of the snakes (how the heck did he manage to oil up under his shirt?) and then proceeds to go mental with a flame thrower, torching anything and everything in sight, including numerous FBI agents! It’s not exactly an actor’s flick but at least the females manage to liven things up a bit if the titular snakes are sorely lacking in appearance.

 

Boa Vs Python is a total cop-out of what was going to be a piece of crap anyway. It just ended up depriving us of the only thing that would have redeemed it – some actual snake versus snake action. I dread to think of whatever CGI monsters they’ll pit against each other next. Oh wait, I’ve just seen the trailer for Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus…….

 

 ★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ 

 

 

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