Croc (2007)

Director: Stewart Raffill

Starring: Michael Madsen, Sherry Phungprasert

Run Time: 100 mins

Certificate: 15

Plot Outline: A greedy landowner has been trying to get rid of Jack's crocodile farm near his building project for months and has tried everything to run him out of business and secure the land for himself. So a couple of his cronies break into the farm and release the three larger crocodiles into the wild thus framing the farm for the death of a teenager. However it turns out that a giant 20ft crocodile is the real culprit and Jack needs help in catching or killing it. A $50,000 reward is put up and in steps Croc Hawkins to find and kill the monster.

The Review: Oh boy where do I start? There's no way that God put me on this planet to suffer through 90 minutes of turgid crap like Croc. It's such a waste of time I might as well have gone out and chased a slug around my back garden. Films about killer crocodiles seem to be the rage this past year (Primeval, Lake Placid 2, Dino Croc, etc) - I guess that's because someone overstayed the "killer shark" phase a couple of years back. The problem with all of these films is that they don't offer anything different to the previous film. Once you've seen one killer crocodile film, you've seen them all and it's just a matter of comparing them to see which one sucks least.

Shot completely in Thailand, it's inevitable the film would feature plenty of Thai actors and actresses. Where the hell did they find these people? They've got to be the worst people ever to butcher the English language. I've seen some bad acting in my time but the Thai cast here are just murder to the ears. Is this the best they could find? Some sound British. Some sound Australian. Some sound American. But everyone in this Thai village speaks English in one form or another which is convenient. Some sound as if they're actually learning to speak English during the film with robotic, expressionless delivery (they can't see the cue cards very well then). When a growling, slumming Michael Madsen (clearly not giving a toss about the film and only here for a free holiday to Thailand) gives your best performance, you're in big trouble. He plays the generic Quint role - you know, the salty sea dog character from Jaws who pops in every film about a killer animal.

The crocodile itself looks inexcusable at times. For most of the shots we get, the filmmakers have visibly trawled through hours of stock footage of real crocodiles. So this invariably means the crocodile looks bigger in some scenes than it does in others. It also means that the water colours are different (one laughable shot of a child swimming in crystal clear water is then followed by a shot of a crocodile in water looks to be a swamp) and there's some day/dusk continuity problems with the lighting. It also behaves a lot more like a shark, swimming towards it's victim with POV shots galore and then dragging them screaming quickly through the water. There's plenty of blood and lots of limbs floating around during the attack scenes but they are edited so badly that you haven't got a clue what is going on. Giant models, CGI and stock footage - you can't tell which one is doing the damage. There's also a laughable scene in which the crocodile has slipped into some schmuck's pool and he doesn't notice when he dives in for a swim. A 20th crocodile swimming around in your 30ft pool and you don't notice? On a positive note, the crocodile does eat a kid! A real bonus for those of you who think children are immune from danger in these films.

Final Verdict: Quite clearly the most appalling killer crocodile film ever made. Only three little words can sum up this film: Croc. of. s**t.

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