Dracula 3000 (2004)

Dracula 3000 (2004)

In space, the sun never rises

A salvage ship on a routine mission in space discovers a transport vessel that had been reported missing 100 years earlier. When the salvage crew boards the vessel, they discover 50 long black coffins and find out that the captain locked himself in his cabin when his crew started acting weird. Opening one of the coffins, one of the salvage crew accidentally cuts his hand, unwittingly unleashing ancient curse – that of Count Dracula.

 

Some of the horror ‘brands’ of the world have sent their antagonists into space in one form or another, usually when the creative teams have failed to come up with any new material for them. Pinhead did it. The Leprechaun did it. Jason Vorhees has done it. So it was a little odd to see one of the oldest horror creations going to finally take the leap into the blackness of outer space. Welcome to the stars, Count Dracula.

If there was one creation that has never needed new material it is Dracula. How many times over the years has the tale of the Count been told on film? Too many to remember but it is a winning story that has never really needed altering. So why the hell send him into space and why turn him into some weak-assed slasher when Dracula has never been about the killing, just the manner in which he does it (that whole seduction thing, using his female victims like cattle when he needs to feed, etc). Having him lurking around a spaceship (in full 19th century outfit I might add) chasing after dudes with guns isn’t what Bram Stoker had in mind when he dreamt up this fiend.

If the idea of Count Dracula turning people into vampires on a spaceship isn’t enough to make you cringe, just check a load of the cast. Casper Van Dien – his last cinematic release was Sleepy Hollow way back in 1999. Since then he’s been churning out countless TV movies like Python and Skeleton Man. Erika Eleniak – one of the hottest pieces of ass on the planet when she was in her Baywatch days but now looks like some skanky LA hooker with a breast job. Coolio – a former rapper who thinks he can act and has ‘starred’ in such genre greats as Red Water and Pterodactyl. The only person who comes out with any shred of decency is Udo Kier who doesn’t actually appear in the film with anyone else: his scenes have simply been taped in a room and played back whenever someone accesses the computer to find out what happened to the crew. It’s a Z-list cast for a Z-list movie.

There’s hardly any blood. There’s nothing scary. There’s no nudity. There’s no special effects budget (as in evidence by the explosion at the end). To say this is the year 3000, the equipment and clothing that they are using looks remarkably old. Dracula is on-screen for a total of about two minutes (kind of defeats the object of calling it Dracula 3000 doesn’t it?), opting to leave the rest of the vampire antics to a hyperactive Coolio pretending to be a vampire. The script is also full of horrible quotes like “”I want to ejaculate on your bozonkas.” I mean what the hell is that really?

I could keep going on and on but the film is one of the biggest wastes of time and effort (if there even was any in the first place) that I’m going to watch. And to top it all off, the film has the worst ending ever. I turned my head for a brief moment and then turned back to see the credits rolling. I had to rewind to make sure the film hadn’t skipped a chapter but it hadn’t!

 

Dracula 3000 will ruin your life if you watch it. Do not watch under any circumstances. Please for the love of all that is horror, do not watch this film!

 

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