Granny (1999)

Granny (1999)

She’ll love you to pieces!

A group of teenager friends having a party when someone dressed up as a granny shows up and starts killing them off. Whose granny is this mass murdering maniac?

 

I’m not sure if Granny even qualifies as a full blown feature film, clocking in at a measly fifty-eight minutes. But believe me when I tell you that these fifty-eighty minutes would be some of the worst spent of your life if you ever paid Granny a visit. This is one relative who is best left to rot in the nursing home.

Amateurish, low budget horror film making at it’s very worst, Granny is the brain child of Boris Pavlovsky who wrote and directed the thing, most likely paid for everything himself, designed the cover art and personally hand-made every single copy. Sometimes enough is enough and you’ve got to crush people’s dreams. Well Boris, quit whilst you’re ahead (actually it seems he did – this is the only entry listed in his IMDB profile).

Did the guy film this with a pinhole camera or something? The camerawork is sloppy and looks even worse than home movie standard. I honestly can’t believe that something as crude and sub-standard in production value actually got a release on DVD. Seriously, if this guy can, why can’t I? Or you? Or the chimp in the zoo who swings on tyres? Even basic levels of production value can be found in student videos as they attempt to make it big. How did this get beyond the Sight and Sound 101 class at college?

The acting is terrible, most likely close friends or relatives of the director who jumped at the chance to ‘star’ in a film. I’d be surprised to find them appearing in any other films. The script nearly fried my brain with its stupidity. I think I’ve already heard every single line of dialogue before in other films. But what really ticks me off about the script here is that characters jump to conclusions really quickly and make overly melodramatic statements like “we’re all going to die!” when in fact, the character could have quite easily walked out of the house, down the street, boarded a plane and never looked back. It’s not they’re trapped on a desert island.

The ‘granny’ killer is one of the worst slashers to ever grace the screen. Who in their right mind dresses up as a granny to kill someone? It seems to me that Mr Pavlovsky just wanted to create an iconic slasher villain and came up with the granny killer as something memorable. It’s a sad excuse to slap on a granny-related tag line and throw in loads of granny-related nonsense like knitting needles. To say the film is only just under an hour long, the first kill doesn’t even arrive until twenty minutes in!

To rub salt into the wounds, the final ‘twist’ in the plot just contradicts everything else that’s been done in the film up until that point. It’s arguably one of the worst endings I’ve ever seen on film. Think April Fool’s Day but multiply by a thousand levels of stupidity.

 

Just when I think I’ve managed to stay clear of the masses of straight-to-video crap, something like Granny comes along. With its abominable acting, plot – well basically everything – this is one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. I’m actually glad that it only lasted an hour as I’m sure that any longer and I would have commit suicide.

 

 ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ 

 

 

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