Ice Spiders (2007)

Ice Spiders (2007)

Hell Has Just Frozen Over.

An Olympic ski team head to a remote ski-lodge in order to train in peace and quiet. However what they didn’t expect to encounter was a bunch of giant mutated spiders which have escaped from a nearby laboratory and are killing everyone on the slopes.

 

This is yet another Sci-Fi Channel original feature so before watching it, I could quite easily have written this review and been about 90% accurate in what I say. Originality isn’t their specialty and it shows once again. Ice Spiders is a cross between spider-fest Eight-Legged Freaks and ski slasher Shredder only without half the budget of Freaks and half the gore of Shredder. Come on though, if you’re going to watch a film called Ice Spiders then you know what you’re in for. There’s going to be ice. And there’s going to spiders. The title actually intrigued me a little and the front cover looks pretty kick ass but don’t let it fool you – no spider in this film grows to that size….unfortunately.

The spiders are pretty feeble. Actually they’re not just pretty feeble, they’re uber-feeble. There are red and green spiders. Not just multi-coloured or shaded, these bad guys are completely one colour as if the computer guy just clicked on ‘fill colour’ when he was creating them. I guess it’s supposed to allow you to tell them apart (so you know which one can jump, which one is the black widow etc.) but it just looks like something from an old PS2 game and not a good one at that. The other major problem is that you see them right from the very beginning. Usually in these flicks, the monsters are slowly revealed throughout the film so you see an eye or a leg at first and then get the gradual reveal. As soon as you see the spiders, you’ve got to make a snap decision – do you keep watching now that you’ve seen how dreadful there are or do you switch off and save your time? Obviously I kept on watching in the hope that it would improve and it did, although not in the way I was expecting.

Ice Spiders is just so cheesy. I’m debating whether or not it was intentionally made as bad as this but I don’t think it was – I’d be giving the writers way too much credit if I thought it was a parody. The script is peppered with lousy one-liners. The acting in the film is dire too. Patrick Muldoon has his ‘ski bum’ rap down to a tee but delivers every line the same way so whether he’s angry, hitting on some chicks or just being a total douche, his voice doesn’t change one bit. Taking it separately, it’s a shocking performance but you know what – it actually makes the film more goofy and cheesy and somehow slightly better. Also worth noting for the laughable performance is Stephen J. Cannell as Frank, the older owner of the resort. As soon as this guy opens his mouth, he’s acting like he’s in a commercial for some hair replacement products (and he looks like he’s used them too).

There’s lots of skiing and snowboarding. And I mean lots of it. Even the finale involves the main character shredding down the side of the mountain in order to lead the spiders into a trap that the military has set up. Let’s see, what else do we have? Oh yes, the obligatory science and military team. The scientists are fodder for the spiders before the film begins and we see a few dismembered corpses lying around in the lab. I don’t know about you but I didn’t think spiders were picky and took off random limbs instead of sucking their victims’ bodies completely dry. The generic military team filled with lifeless grunts doesn’t actually get sacrificed to the spiders: it’s just all of the poor schmucks at the ski resort. To top it all off, we get some clichéd Predator-esque POV shots from the vision of the spiders. It’s totally pointless and adds nothing to the film except another couple of special effects credits for the guys who did it.

 

Ice Spiders is the type of monster flick that I should love but its way too cheesy and poorly made to take seriously. However it’s great to watch if you are missing the Winter Olympics – the constant skiing and snowboarding will keep you entertained for hours! It’s a pity that these spiders won’t.

 

 ★★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆ 

 

 

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One single comment

  1. Jeff says:

    Pretty cheesy movie. Poor Patrick Muldoon needs to stick to TV Christmas stories.

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