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Ice Spiders
(2007)
Plot
An Olympic ski team head to a remote ski-lodge in order to
train in peace and quiet. However what they didn't expect to encounter was a
bunch of giant mutated spiders which have escaped from a nearby laboratory and
are killing everyone on the slopes.
Review
This is yet another Sci-Fi Channel original feature so before
watching it, I could quite easily have written this review and been about 90%
accurate in what I say. Originality isn't their specialty and it shows once
again. Ice Spiders is a cross between spider-fest Eight-Legged Freaks and ski
slasher Shredder only without half the budget of Freaks and half
the gore of Shredder. Come on though, if you're going to watch a film
called Ice Spiders then you know what you're in for. There's going to be
ice. And there's going to spiders. The title actually
intrigued me a little and the front cover looks pretty kick ass but don't let it
fool you - no spider in this film grows to that size....unfortunately.
The spiders are pretty feeble. Actually they're not just pretty feeble, they're
uber-feeble. There are red and green spiders. Not just multi-coloured or shaded, these bad guys are completely one colour
as if the computer guy just clicked on "fill colour" when he was creating them.
I guess it's supposed to allow you to tell them apart (so you know which one can jump,
which one is the black widow
etc.) but it just looks like something from an old PS2 game and not a good one
at that. The other major problem is that you see them right from the very
beginning. Usually in these flicks, the monsters are slowly revealed throughout
the film so you see an eye or a leg at first and then get the gradual reveal. As
soon as you see the spiders, you've got to make a snap decision - do you keep
watching now that you've seen how dreadful there are or do you switch off and
save your time? Obviously I kept on watching in the hope that it would improve
and it did, although not in the way I was expecting. Ice Spiders is just
so cheesy. I'm debating whether or not it was intentionally made as bad as this
but I don't think it was - I'd be giving the writers way too much credit if I
thought it was a parody. The script is peppered with lousy one-liners. The acting in the film is dire
too. Patrick Muldoon has
his "ski bum" rap down to a tee but delivers every line the same way so whether he's
angry, hitting on some chicks or just being a total douche, his voice doesn't
change one bit. Taking it separately, it's a shocking performance but you know
what - it actually makes the film more goofy and cheesy and somehow slightly
better. Also worth noting for the laughable performance is
Stephen J. Cannell as Frank, the older owner of the resort. As soon as this guy
opens his mouth, he's acting like he's in a commercial for some hair replacement
products (and he looks like he's used them too).
There's lots of skiing and snowboarding. And I mean lots of it. Even the finale
involves the main character shredding down the side of the mountain in order to
lead the spiders into a trap that the military has set up. Let's see, what else
do we have. Oh yes, the obligatory science and military team. The scientists are
fodder for the spiders before the film begins and we see a few dismembered
corpses lying around in the lab. I don't know about you but I didn't think
spiders were picky and took off random limbs instead of sucking their victims'
bodies completely dry. The generic military team filled with lifeless grunts
doesn't actually get sacrificed to the spiders either, it's just all of the poor
schmucks at the ski resort. To top it all off, we get some clichéd Predator-esque
POV shots from the vision of the spiders. It's totally pointless and adds
nothing to the film except another couple of credits for the guys who did it.
Verdict
Ice Spiders is the type
of monster flick that I should love but it's way too cheesy and poorly made to
take seriously. However it's great to watch if you are missing the Winter
Olympics - the constant skiing and snowboarding will keep you entertained for
hours! It's a pity that these spiders won't. |
