Mega Shark Vs Crocosaurus (2010)

Mega Shark Vs Crocosaurus (2010)

Whoever wins… we lose!

A giant prehistoric crocodile awakens and emerges from a diamond mine in the Congo where it proceeds to lay eggs all over the world. Meanwhile the mega shark which had been thought to be dead is rediscovered and promptly destroys a Navy ship before realising the eggs are a good source of food. The crocodile turns into a protective parent and the two monsters do battle whilst the Navy attempt to destroy them both with the assistance of an eclectic group of individuals including a crocodile hunter and a naval sound expert who can identify the sound of the shark.

 

I guess we now know who won the fight in Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus with the appearance of this even more outlandish sequel. The first film rode on a wave of internet hype, fuelled by the ridiculous title and lapped up by movie fans with a trailer which promised the world. It delivered exactly what one would expect of such a trashy monster movie made by The Asylum and that is precisely nothing. The monsters were hardly seen, the special effects were terrible and the plot, script and acting was bottom dollar. Like its predecessor, Mega Shark Vs Crocosaurus will appeal solely to those people who know exactly what they’re getting themselves in for. If I gave you a blank DVD, you’d probably expect the same thing.

At least there’s more action than in previous ‘Mega’ movies which isn’t saying much as any moments of monster action are so brief and fleeting in their glimpses. There’s probably about five minutes of special effects footage here and, like its predecessor, simply cuts these minutes up into tiny blink-and-you’ll-miss-it clips to make you think you’ve seen more than you have. Whilst I can’t argue with the efficiency shown, it’s a cop-out to the audience who clearly only tuned in to see a giant crocodile and shark do battle with each other. Their eventual fight is pitiful with the murky underwater shots only giving us snippets of a dorsal fin or tail thrashing around.

The monsters vary in size so much that it’s hard to take them seriously. The croc is small enough that it can eat an evil diamond miner in a cave but is too big to fit into the same cave later, conveniently when one of the main characters runs into it for shelter. One moment, the croc as a big as an arena and the next moment it’s merely the size of a normal truck. Don’t even get me started on the shark which is blown out of all proportions to absurd levels and manages to sneak up on ships and submarines despite them having the latest technological advances in sonar and radar to track it. If you can believe some of the crazy things the shark, the croc and the Navy all get up to in their attempts to battle each other, maybe you’ll get some enjoyment out of this.

I really hate the script here. It’s chock full of ridiculously serious dialogue especially during the Navy scenes where the officers and grunts exchange such classics as “killzone visibility is less than 2%” and “try to find a pathway, give me a 15% window and then go high.” It’s purposely stuffy dialogue which attempts to give the film an authenticity it clear has no hope in hell of reaching. This also has the bonus effect of making the non-monster scenes drag on for hours at an end.

The cast themselves aren’t too bad despite the straightjacket-like confines of the script. Gary Stretch has the most fun, playing some sort of crocodile hunter and looking like he’s walked off the set off an Animal Planet show. Robert Picardo, most commonly known to many as the holographic doctor from Star Trek: Voyager has to make do with chewing the scenery as some Navy big wig who really wants to smoke a cigar. Sarah Lieving adds the token glamour as the hot-to-trot government agent who rarely smiles, delivers her dialogue like she’s a marionette but still manages to dress down into a white tank top for the finale. Sometimes you’ve just got to love stereotypes.

 

The cover box art is the most exciting thing on display here and it, quite frankly, rocks. Sadly, Mega Shark Vs Crocosaurus is just woefully inept entertainment, hard enough to watch even if you want a laugh at the sort of things that can get released on DVD nowadays.

 

 ★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ 

 

 

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