Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus (2009)

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus (2009)

Winner… Eats… All!

Following the collapse in the glacier in which they were both entombed, a gigantic megaladon shark and a monstrous octopus terrorise the seas and oceans around the world before fighting each other.

 

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus has been getting a fairly decent bit of press lately. Everywhere I go, it seems to be getting mentioned, be it in newspaper write-ups, upcoming DVD magazines, plastered all over the internet – hell even Empire blogged about it. It’s the sort of trashy film I go for and have been looking forward to it for a while now. But as soon as I saw that the brains behinds this were those folks from The Asylum, I suddenly had doubts. They are the studio who love to cash-in on the big blockbusters so when Transformers came out, The Asylum made Transmorphers. When The Day the Earth Stood Still arrived in theatres, The Asylum churned out The Day the Earth Stopped. And above all, they provided the world with Supercroc, the only film about a giant 50ft crocodile that hardly has a giant 50ft crocodile in it! Suddenly my expectations to see plenty of monster mash-up action seemed a distant memory. Just how bad could this film get?

Well the answer is almost at the bottom of a bottomless pit. The ‘making of’ on the DVD states that they wanted a dialogue-heavy film – hang on a minute? Let me get this straight…..you’ve got a film about a mega shark and a giant octopus that are going to fight each other and you want to make the film “dialogue-heavy.” Give me a freakin’ break. They weren’t kidding either. The film is dull and features plenty of scenes of scientists mixing potions together, conducting experiments, talking about the giant octopus and mega shark or browsing the internet for information. But when it comes down to the boil, the stars of the show are nowhere to be seen for the bulk of the running time. You only see slightly more of them than you do in the trailer, which I might add was a lot more entertaining than the final film and received something like 1.5 million hits on YouTube.

When the shark and the octopus are on screen, the special effects are not so special at all. Clearly low budget films have just given up when it comes to making an effort with the CGI. The beasties do show up every once in a while to reek havoc on something else, be it the Golden Gate Bridge, an oil rig or, in the film’s best moment, the shark actually jumps through the air and takes out a 747. This is that sort of daft film. The problem is that these attack scenes are over so quickly. There must be about ten seconds of animation but it’s spliced between shots of human actors reacting to what is going on. The illusion is that you see more than you think you are but in reality, you’re getting less and less. The culmination of the film – the mega shark versus giant octopus fight so widely hyped up throughout the film – lasts for about a measly two minutes! And even then everything is so rushed and quickly edited together that you can’t see what is going on. It’s also inter-cut with footage of the three human characters in the little submarine watching what is going on and reacting to every tail swish or tentacle slap.

The characters are awful and just go through the motions but in a really serious manner not befitting the ridiculous story. Can someone please explain to them what film they are actually starring in? Lorenzo Lamas is no stranger to fighting rubbish CGI monsters (Raptor Island is probably top on his résumé) and he looks like he walked off the set of a porno flick here with his ponytail and sleazy suit. Deborah Gibson (an ex-pop star but I think I’m a little too young to know who she was) does little than waggle a joystick on a submarine and mix liquids in a lab. I mean is the best that the script could have them doing in the film? Actually the script manages to get the male and female scientists together for a quickie but instead of just being a token scene, it gives the characters the method in which they can lure the monsters together.

The script does manage to pepper a few nods to monster movie lore including the fact that the giant octopus heads straight for Japan after it’s released from it’s icy tomb (in the Godzilla films, the alien monster would always head straight to Japan to destroy it). There’s also a nod to the legendary Ray Harryhausen with the destruction of the Golden Gate Bridge (which featured a giant octopus destroying the bridge in It Came From Beneath the Sea) but isn’t it funny how that scene from the 50s looks infinitely better than this one does!

 

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus is just a terrible film. Somehow it’s managed to grab the attention of the general public but they couldn’t have picked a worse ‘obscure’ film to latch onto. The only reason it gets points is because it has a giant shark jumping into the sky to take down a jumbo jet. You don’t see that everyday (come to think of it, you don’t exactly see it here either as it’s all blurred).

 

 ★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ 

 

 

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