Mega Snake (2007)

Mega Snake (2007)

Run for your life!

Les Daniels loses his father to a deadly snake bite and grows up fearing snakes. Things are complicated when his younger brother accidentally unleashes a mysterious snake from a local Native American snake dealer. Once loose, the snake begins to feed on small animals but as it begins to grow and grow, its hunger becomes greater and starts eating the local residents. Now Les must overcome his phobia and protect the town from the deadly snake.

 

Sometimes I wish studios would just give me some “Create Your Own Creature Feature” PC software and let me design my own film with a load of pre-filmed scenes ready to splice together, a choice of stock characters to pepper my film with and lots of token special effects of different monsters because it seems that’s all they’re doing nowadays, especially when it comes to the Sci-Fi Channel. They’ve got to be using one of those random “Name Generator” pieces of script you see across the net (you know the ones – give me My Porn Star Name, My Mafia Name, My Native American Indian Name, etc). It’s a case of stick X amount of various monsters, X amount of the same plot, X amount of washed-up or bit-part actors and then wait and see what the user comes up with when they click start. Mega Snake has to be the product of such a tool. There’s no question.

Most of the time, it’s too easy to target these films and it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. There’s clearly an audience for them – hell I’m one of the first in front of the TV whenever they get released and as much as I hate the majority of them, it’s either them or nothing. I love my monster flicks and I’ve lost all faith in the mainstream Hollywood blockbuster release system so these low budget creature feature films are like a pair of shoes that used to fit me but are a little tight now – I don’t want to throw them out because they were my favourite shoes at one time but I know that wearing them will be bad for my feet. Not quite sure how I’ve managed to go off track but I hope you get the idea.

Mega in name but not nature, Mega Snake shares a similar title to the likes of Mega Piranha and Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus but the only thing mega about this is the smell of rubbish. Actually I’m a bit disappointed as to how the poster portrays the size of this snake. At no point does it ever grow bigger than skyscrapers, destroy cities or take on the might of the US military ala some form of snake version of Godzilla. It simply grows as big as the rest of its reptilian brothers that clog up the Sci-Fi Channel’s creature features – hardly anything more ‘mega’ than the snakes in the Anaconda sequels. And since when did snakes come with Mogwai-like instructions on how not to feed them? This snake has more instructions than an old school Russian tape recorder so it was inevitable that some dumb schmuck was going to break one of the rules at some point.

As soon as the snake escapes (which is fairly early in the film), then the plot just falls into a regular series of snake attacks. For some reason, the Sci-Fi Channel has decided that all of its killer snakes must simply feed off human heads. The studio’s entire snake flick output feature reptilians which just eat the heads of their victims and leave the rest of the body. I’m not sure when snakes became such fussy eaters but it is rather annoying to see, especially during a laughable scene where the snake attacks a carnival ride. The CGI looks slightly better than some of the other snake films but it’s still overly shoddy. The snake’s skin is constantly the same colour and shade, no matter whether it’s in shade or blazing hot sun. It’s smooth and shiny exterior is also highly out of place with the surrounding woods – there is no way something as bright as this would be able to hide in the woods without being spotted.

Typical of these Eastern European-shot creature feature films, there’s a multitude of generic material on display. You’ve got a couple of backwoods dwelling rednecks eager to blast everything away with shotguns. There’s a goody-two shoes ex-girlfriend who still harbours feelings towards the main character. The hero who can’t get his life together and is in the midst of some mid-life crisis is present. Last but not least, we can’t forget the local mayor who wants to keep the town open during a festival and refuses to believe that there’s a monster problem, leading to the inevitable snake attack during the festival. Also typical of these films is the cast full of Eastern European actors trying to sport American accents. Apart from the lead characters who look like they’d rather be anywhere else, the supporting cast have been picked up on the cheap from some dodgy Bulgarian casting agent. Most of them are there purely as snake fodder but the script could at least give us some interesting characters we care about instead of a slew of stereotypes.

 

Mega Snake is best watched with a crate of beer and a few annoying friends to poke fun at anything and everything. It’s about the only entertainment you’ll garner from watching another overly clichéd, generic and lacklustre Sci-Fi Channel creature feature.

 

 ★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ 

 

 

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