One-Eyed Monster (2008)

One-Eyed Monster (2008)

If you see it coming, you’re already dead.

During the shooting of a porn film up in a remote mountain area, an alien life form possesses the penis of infamous porn actor Ron Jeremy. With a disembodied dick on the loose and a snowstorm isolating them from help, it’s up to the remaining cast and crew to band together to survive this intergalactic genital menace.

 

Warning: this review will mention the word “dick” a lot because its a lot funnier than being polite and saying penis all of the time.

Oh man, this is why I love the horror genre. Who in their right mind would ever have come up with the idea to have an alien possess the dick of the most famous male porn star on the planet and then kill people? I mean it’s not like the idea hasn’t been floating around for a while. Guys like HR Giger have always used phallic imagery for their weird, screwed up creations (just look at the alien from Alien for crying out loud) but no one has ever just literally turned a dick into a killing machine! Why? Because it’s one of those silly ideas that shouldn’t work on paper and should work even less on the screen. It’s one of those silly taboos that has always floated around society (in much the same way that Teeth tapped into the male subconscious fear of encountering serious ‘problems’ during sex) but has been deemed too high-risk to turn into any credible story. Until now that is…..

One-Eyed Monster is an absolute riot. As juvenile as I may be for saying this, it’s just hilarious hearing people saying “dick” constantly and talking like it’s a deadly threat to their own lives. But this is one of the strength’s of the film. Instead of goofing off and playing the whole thing out as some low-rent Troma flick, the seriousness in which everything is handled really helps add credibility to the premise of a killer dick. The characters keep a straight face and there’s plenty of knowing winks to the audience, reminding us that they know it’s a stupid idea but they have to believe it because they have seen it with their own eyes (or one-eye as the title states). It means that the deadpan delivery of some of the dialogue is spot on and the comic timing of some lines is impeccable.

Comic timing is also evident in the way in which certain scenes are handled. The dick possesses the body of a victim and manipulates him via his ass (to which one of the other characters simply states the obvious “it’s in his ass, it’s running him from his ass”). It wraps itself around the throat of another victim and chokes him to death. There are a lot of references to circumcisions (I mean how else are you going to kill a killer dick?). The dick ejaculates a lot including a hilarious reference to Alien in which sperm drips down from above a character and they look up to see the dick. In case you haven’t cottoned on already, there are plenty of nods to genre films like Alien and Aliens (motion-trackers, a grotesque wall-of-bodies covered in sperm, etc.), The Thing (generator going out, the snowy setting) and Jaws (more on that later).

The attacks happen off-screen for as long as possible which is good because I’d rather not see a huge dick on my widescreen TV if it’s all the same. I’m guessing it wasn’t shown much to secure a relevant rating. When it does appear it’s, well, just a dick. I guess there’s a part of me that was hoping for something different but it is just a dick. Not a human-sized one that I assumed it would be. Just Ron’s 9 and ¾-length member trying to kill people (it’s a useless fact that Ron himself tells another character during the film). There are even some pretty decent scenes which build up the tension, in particular the scene where two of the survivors lock themselves in the kitchen and attempt to draw the dick out by putting a pair of used panties in front of a fan to give it the scent. There’s a modified motion-tracker to let you know that the dick is near and when the plan, as expected, doesn’t work properly, it’s great to see the actors involved actually emote and put a lot of fear into their situation.

The cast make this thing work. Ron Jeremy plays himself and actually puts in a likeable performance, echoing sentiments from real life in which he believes he’s too old to continue making porn and that it’s a business for the young. Unfortunately for him, the only reason he’s famous is because of what he stores in his trousers and thus there’s no real need for him to be around once it’s detached itself. The other star for me was Jason Graham who plays the cameraman. He reminds me a bit of Orlando Jones but his deep, calm voice was brilliant for some of the lines he got.

Veteran actor Charles Napier (who starred in a load of Russ Meyer’s infamous sleaze picks from the 60s and 70s) shows up as some grouchy Vietnam vet who lives a hermit lifestyle in the mountains. Napier has made a career playing bad ass military types and this part is no stretch of his talents. He even has a monologue scene similar to Robert Shaw’s Quint in Jaws where instead of the story of the USS Indianapolis, he explains how he first came across one of the killer dicks during the Vietnam War when it took out his platoon. Napier could have hammed it up but he plays it perfectly straight and dramatic, adding even more to the comedy value.

 

One-Eyed Monster has the most ridiculous plot ever but it works brilliantly because the script treats it with respect and seriousness. What could have become a cheesy schlock fest actually turns into a near-masterpiece of comedy, seriousness and believability. It’s not going to be for everyone and I’m sure there are plenty of mainstream critics out there who will be rolling their eyes at the thought of this film. But for anyone who can overcome the thought of watching a film with such a premise, you won’t be disappointed. And to think I got through this review without mentioning the phrase “throbbing member.”

 

 ★★★★★★★☆☆☆ 

 

 

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