Plot
A group of college kids off are
stranded in the middle of nowhere in Eastern Europe when their bus breaks
down. They set off to find the nearest village but on the way, Jason finds
an ancient sword trapped in a pile of stones and takes it with him. When
they arrive at the village, they are shocked to find the locals are very
hostile towards them for removing the sword. A long time ago, an evil wizard
terrorised these lands until he was killed by a knight, his spirit entrapped
into the rock and a curse put on the sword which bound the rocks together.
Once the sword is removed by a descendant of the knight, the wizard will be
reborn in the form of a huge rock monster to continue to terrorise the
lands. Now the rock monster is loose and it's up to Jason to finish the
wizard off once and for all.
Review
One star for creativity at least? Come on people, have
you ever heard anything like it? I've been moaning about creature feature
films just being the same rubbish over and over again, continually dragging
out the same creatures time after time (snakes, sharks, rats, crocodiles,
you name it I bet it has been mutated or genetically enhanced at some point
over the last few years). Yet here we are with a totally original story and
a unique monster. Surely the recipe for success? Well think again. Rock
Monster may seem fresh and original upon first glance but as soon as the
film starts rolling, it's back to wheeling out the same clichés only with a
giant rock monster doing the damage to the local townspeople.
The
film has a really goofy tone too which doesn't help from the off-set. I wish
they had played this thing seriously instead of hamming it up and playing
dumb. When a film tries to be funny and it clearly isn't, then it's just
painful and toe-curing to hear jokes and attempted moments of humour fall
flat on their face. At least this isn't a live gig or else the comedian
would have been bottled off. Rock Monster is not an outright comedy
but it was clearly only a couple of fart jokes short of being one and may
have worked better if they had turned it into one. Take all of the
annoyingly unfunny Eastern European supporting characters including the
local army colonel who really hams it up during his "Quint" speech where he
interrupts a town meeting to say that he'll find and kill the monster. Can
these writers not reference other films for a change? Why is it always
Jaws? It's so predictable. Yes I know everyone has seen Jaws but
do we really need reminding every time someone writes a creature feature
film? And what's with the Bulgarian town being full of English-speaking
peasants? They can afford to learn English and keep a large cache of weapons
but not to build proper houses, eat well and dress properly? If it wasn't so
silly it may be insulting to portray Eastern Europeans like this but I guess
it's what we're all used to now. If they are going to cast Eastern Europeans
in some of the speaking parts, I wish they would actually find people who
can talk without the thickest of accents. No doubt the script itself is a
joke but when you hear Bulgarians babbling on about conquering the Earth in
broken English, it just sounds like a jokey YouTube video. Don't forget too
that this is all set conveniently in the middle of nowhere with no cell
phone coverage, no telephones and no chance of help. Why do people go to
these places? If I'm going abroad, I want to be surrounded by as many people
as possible!
There is one awesome thing about this film and
that's my discover of Natalie Denise Spearl, a smoking hot woman who plays
the damsel-in-distress and, although her accent jumps all over the map,
comes off as some uber-hot Russian Megan Fox. Definitely a positive but the
only one unfortunately. The rock monster itself looks like it came straight
out of a He-Man cartoon. It's very poorly rendered although at least it's
different to a giant snake or crocodile. Now if only Jason had shouted
out "I've got the power" when he pulled out the sword, it may have been game
on. It also has the ability to camouflage itself as....well erm a pile of
rocks. Quite what a rock monster would look like remains to be seen so I
guess this is as good as we're going to get. If they looked like this then
the word "monster" would lose all meaning. And what is it with these
creatures always deciding to bite people's heads off? Humans have plenty of
other body parts to devour so why is someone always getting their head
lopped off? It's clearly because the special effect is easy to pull off but
it looks rubbish and lazy. The rock monster does a lot of damage and
generally just squashes people although it's battle with a tank has to be
seen to be believed.
Verdict
Rock Monster may have worked to a degree if it
had gone the full hog and turned into silly low budget territory. But it
doesn't and, despite the story being at least original and fleshed, the film
is just too daft and corny for it's own good. This is one pile of rocks that
needs sending to the crusher....pronto!
