Supercroc (2007)

Supercroc (2007)

It’s 50 feet long… It’s 25 feet tall… And in 14 hours it will be HERE!

A military unit is sent to stop a giant crocodile before it reaches Los Angeles.

 

That’s the best plot outline I can give for this piece of absolute dreck. From the front cover which looks like you’re getting some Godzilla-like monster movie where the crocodile is smashing cities to the exciting tag line and promises of ‘non-stop action’ on the back, Supercroc promises the world. What it delivers is less exciting and more disheartening than waking up on Christmas Day to find a pair of socks and a pink t-shirt waiting for you from Santa. This is a film where nothing happens for eighty five minutes and you’re expected to class it as ‘non-stop action.’ This film is made for a very specific audience – the likes of me who thrive on these creature features. So when the makers of these films flip off their target audience by defrauding them with promises they can’t keep, well that’s not good business is it? Well we are not entertained or amused in the slightest…..

This is supposed to be a film about a 50ft crocodile that is heading on a rampaging path to Los Angeles. What you get is about seventy minutes of the crocodile skulking around near a lake and some woods before finally heading into LA right at the end of the film for some token ‘monster on the loose on the streets’ shots. Actually when I say the crocodile spends seventy minutes skulking around near a lake and some woods, I mean it’s supposed to be skulking around near a lake and some woods…..you don’t get to see a lot of the crocodile so you just assume that’s what it’s doing. Either that or it’s talking to it’s agent to try and get it booked in Crocodile 3. Stare at the cover for a few minutes or just read the title aloud a couple of times and that’s more crocodile action than you’re going to get here.

The film spends the bulk of it’s time building up this unseen menace, clearly prepping it for the inevitable carnage when it finally reaches LA. Hang on a minute: didn’t they do this in about half an hour in the American Godzilla? And hang on a minute: I thought it was supposed to go on a rampage when it got to LA, not just plod around the back streets for a few minutes without anyone noticing? The crocodile just doddles along, slowly walking from  one place to the next and then occasionally hiding in the ‘dense’ woodland outside LA whilst gun ships and helicopters fly overhead looking for it. They can’t find a 50ft crocodile? Did it suddenly turn into a 50ft chameleon? (note to self – don’t give studios any ideas)

As for the non-stop action, well I think I have found it. Oh there’s plenty of thrilling scenes of people back in the headquarters AGGRESSIVELY talking into their headsets. Or even better there are plenty of shots of characters STANDING around looking like something is about to happen. I mean you just can’t beat the tension! I can’t honestly even name one character from this film – they’re more like narrators than actors as they continually divulge the apparent location of the crocodile and organise units to intercept. We even get to see some of the soldiers SHOOTING at something but most of the time what they are shooting at is off-screen. It’s a film where the soldiers are told that the crocodile’s skin is so thick that bullets won’t pierce it so said soldiers spend the next half of the film pumping it full of lead. Having said this, the crocodile does take out a chopper in the film’s only highlight right at the end. But even then the scene is so badly put together and blurry that it may be the crocodile taking it out or it may just be a really fat seagull, I’m not quite sure (note to self – stop giving studios ideas please!).

 

Supercroc is a giant monster movie without any of the giant monster in it. It’s a film that instead of putting padding around a giant monster, it throws in some giant monster around a lot of padding. In fact this film is the most padded film ever and could easily sustain being squashed underneath a giant 50ft crocodile and survive intact. If you know where to find one or even a 20ft crocodile, please let the makers of this film know so that they can put some footage of it in. And to think I could have fed a family of five in Africa for a month instead of wasting £8 on this inane nonsense!

 

 ★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ 

 

 

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