Plot
A young child is horrified at bedtime
stories of goblins by his Grandpa Seth. His worst nightmares come true
though when his family takes a trip to the remote town of Nilbog, a place
filled with strange humans and even stranger food. It turns out that the
entire population are actually goblins who are trying to feed the family
food which will turn them into goblin food!
Review
To kick off this review, I'll quote
the tagline for this infamous sequel - "one was not enough!" It certainly
wasn't and thus we are presented with one of the most universally-recognised
worst films of all time. It's currently sat in the bottom 100 on IMDB
(number 17 at time of writing - I can't believe there are another 16 worse
films out there!) with a brilliant score of 1.9 out of 10. It's reputation
has begun to precede it and there's a good reason for that - it is one of
the most horrific, mind-numbingly, eye-destroying wastes of 95 minutes I've
had the misfortune of subjecting myself to. But with it's reputation as a
shocking piece of entertainment, it's also turned into one of the more
sought after films - everyone just has to get a copy to see how bad it is.
Believe me, no one in their right mind would want to even sit and watch this
just to see how bad it is. I am sure in years to come there will be some
sort of medical condition given to people suffering from the after effects
of enduring this.
As if the first one wasn't bad enough, some Italian hacks
come along, make a totally unrelated film about GOBLINS and then seems to
have tagged the Troll title along for release in foreign markets.
Apart from a few moments where people turn into blobs of green goo or become
plants, there's nothing lifted from the original at all. Well there is the pitiful
creature effects, the awful dialogue, the laughable acting and the
ridiculousness of the first film all rolled up into one here. I can't really write a comprehensive review of
the film because I'll just ramble on about how bad it is. So let me give you
a few snippets from the film to get you into the mood. Realising the goblins turn their victims into
food by getting them to eat food, the young boy tries to stop his family
from eating a meal the locals have laid on for them. He stands up on the
table and pees on the food. In another moment of randomness, the goblin
queen turns into a blonde chick to seduce a guy in a camper van. In the
midst of seduction she pulls out a corn cob, which they then share between
their mouths. He says he prefers popcorn so the next moment the bed explodes
all around him with loads of popcorn. Also in the film, a group of goblins
chases a woman through the woods wielding weapons. A teenager rescues her
and proceeds to walk up to the goblins and starts trying it on. Even if
they're only small, you still don't pick fights with weird creatures you've
never seen before and that wield spears. In another scene, one of the
transformed teenagers is now a plant and is punished for trying to help a
friend escape by having parts of his body (or stem, I'm not sure what he was
at this point) cut off with a chainsaw. The young boy constantly gets advice
by his dead grandpa, who then appears later in the film and is able to stop
time and restart it at will. The film ends with a sandwich being the
ultimate weapon of choice for the young boy which banishes the goblins.
Ah sack it, let's hammer the film a little more. I'm sure no one will mind.
The acting is an abomination and it's chumps like this who do good actors a
disservice by being called actors. The whiny brat boy is the most annoying
little shit I've ever seen. All he seems to do is misbehave and shout
"grandpa." His sister is no better, seemingly smiling blankly at the camera
in some scenes as if she's forgotten her lines. The dad sounds like he's
just escaped from having a lobotomy and the locals are just that - local
people in the village it was filmed in. The special effects look to have
been lifted from a kid's TV show. You can see the presenter now asking the
kids to bring in green paint, some sticky-back plastic and some toilet rolls
and then letting the youngsters run wild. The goblins wear potato sacks and
their masks are those cheap and nasty Halloween masks that rip when you put
them on or sting your face because there are so cheap, they've thrown any
old skin-blistering paint on them.
Verdict
If you thought Schindler's List
was a life-changing film, then you ain't lived! Troll 2 is where it's
at. Traumatic and coma-inducing experiences don't get any worse than this. I
feel like the urge to die.
