Nostril Picker, The (1993)

The Nostril Picker (1993)

Joe Bukowski is a loner who has bad luck with girls – in fact no luck because none of them are attracted to him. So an old tramp teaches him a chant which turns him into a girl whenever he wants to. However the more he uses this power, the crazier he gets and soon he begins to kill.

 

There has been no error with the lack of a score for this film. I simply can’t bring myself around to giving The Nostril Picker any marks whatsoever.

If the title and the cover box doesn’t make you the slightest bit curious about this film, then you must live a really boring life. It would have you think this was some controversial banned film which has just been re-released. You know which films I’m referring to – the Video Nasties from the 80s which caused such uproar in the UK. Look at the cover – the guy looks sleazy and sinister, the title is written in blood and he’s also got a huge knife – oh and it’s ‘the uncut version.’ Surely this is a depraved, ghastly and sordid slasher flick which has been banned because of its shocking content? Forget Cannibal Holocaust. Never mind SS Experiment Camp. The Nostril Picker is clearly the most detestable film of all time. Yes? Not a chance. I honestly have no idea where this film came from. The Nostril Picker is the most amateurish, shockingly made ‘modern’ film I’ve ever seen. It’s hasn’t even got one redeeming factor and I can’t think of anything remotely positive to say about it at all.

I can’t stand films which look so amateurish because they don’t make me want to watch the film to the end. And when it sucks as badly as this, then the off button soon comes into play. This is a zero-budgeter like never before. It’s like a home movie gone wrong. The picture quality is horrendous. There’s scratches and grain on every shot and it looks like it was bleached of any colour. I honestly refuse to believe that this was made in 1993 – it looks absolutely terrible. Did someone leave the film print out in the sun all day or drop it down the toilet? It’s got to have been made back in the 70s and was just sat around in someone’s garage since then. Even the most rudimentary low budget films look like they were made recently. The sound crackles and muffles throughout the film, almost as if the sound guy simply recorded everything on an old school tape recorder or Dictaphone.

Why call it The Nostril Picker too? He only picks his nose twice during the film yet he does other things a lot more like drinking. The Beer Drinker or The Cigarette Smoker would have been more appropriate titles. The people in this aren’t actors. They’re not even the director’s mates. Let’s face it, if we were all cast in our best friend’s film, we’d sure as hell make the best job we could do to help out a friend. Did they film this in a mental institute where the people didn’t know what was going on? This isn’t acting. It’s not even close. More effort in the film and less in the title and cover box was what was needed here – the gore effects look really bad and I’m sure the local supermarket was raided just before Halloween to get some cheap blood.

 

The Nostril Picker is proof that you should never judge a film by its cover. I’m sure someone is playing a massive joke on me somewhere for watching this. Please let me know if you’ve seen this so that I’m not just imagining things.

 

 ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ 

 

 

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