Troll 2 (1990)

Troll 2 (1990)

One was not enough!

A young child is horrified at bedtime stories of goblins by his Grandpa Seth. His worst nightmares come true though when his family takes a trip to the remote town of Nilbog, a place filled with strange humans and even stranger food. It turns out that the entire population are actually goblins who are trying to feed the family food which will turn them into goblin food!

 

To kick off this review, I’ll quote the tagline for this infamous sequel – “one was not enough!” It certainly wasn’t and thus we are presented with one of the most universally-recognised worst films of all time. It’s currently sat in the bottom 100 on IMDB (number 17 at time of writing – I can’t believe there are another 16 worse films out there!) with a brilliant score of 1.9 out of 10. It’s reputation has begun to precede it and there’s a good reason for that – it is one of the most horrific, mind-numbingly, eye-destroying wastes of ninety-five minutes I’ve had the misfortune of subjecting myself to. But with its reputation as a shocking piece of entertainment, it’s also turned into one of the more sought after films – everyone just has to get a copy to see how bad it is. Believe me, no one in their right mind would want to even sit and watch just to say they’d seen it. I am sure in years to come there will be some sort of medical condition given to people suffering from the after effects of enduring this.

As if the first Troll wasn’t bad enough, some Italian hacks come along, make a totally unrelated film about GOBLINS and then seems to have tagged the Troll title along for release in foreign markets. Apart from a few moments where people turn into blobs of green goo or become plants, there’s nothing lifted from the original at all. Well there are the pitiful creature effects, the awful dialogue, the laughable acting and the ridiculousness of the first film all rolled up into one here. I can’t really write a comprehensive review of the film because I’ll just ramble on about how awful it is. So let me give you a few snippets from the film to get you into the mood.

Realising the goblins turn their victims into food by getting them to eat food, the young boy tries to stop his family from eating a meal the locals have laid on for them. He stands up on the table and pees on the food. In another moment of randomness, the goblin queen turns into a blonde chick to seduce a guy in a camper van. In the midst of seduction she pulls out a corn cob, which they then share between their mouths. He says he prefers popcorn so the next moment the bed explodes all around him with loads of popcorn.

Also in the film, a group of goblins chases a woman through the woods wielding weapons. A teenager rescues her and proceeds to walk up to the goblins and starts trying it on. Even if they’re only small, you still don’t pick fights with weird creatures you’ve never seen before and that wield spears. In another scene, one of the transformed teenagers is now a plant and is punished for trying to help a friend escape by having parts of his body (or stem, I’m not sure what he was at this point) cut off with a chainsaw. The young boy constantly gets advice by his dead grandpa, who then appears later in the film and is able to stop time and restart it at will. The film ends with a sandwich being the ultimate weapon of choice for the young boy which banishes the goblins.

Ah sack it: let’s hammer the film a little more. I’m sure no one will mind. The acting is an abomination and its chumps like this that give other actors a bad name. The whiny brat boy is the most annoying little twerp I’ve ever seen. All he seems to do is misbehave and shout “grandpa.” His sister is no better, seemingly smiling blankly at the camera in some scenes as if she’s forgotten her lines. The dad sounds like he’s just escaped from having a lobotomy and the locals are just that – local people in the village that it was filmed in.

The special effects look to have been lifted from a kid’s TV show. You can see the presenter now asking the kids to bring in green paint, some sticky-back plastic and some toilet rolls and then letting the youngsters run wild. The goblins wear potato sacks and their masks are those cheap and nasty Halloween masks that rip when you put them on or sting your face because there are so cheap, they’ve thrown any old skin-blistering paint on them.

 

If you thought Schindler’s List was a life-changing film, then you ain’t lived! Troll 2 is where it’s at. Traumatic and coma-inducing experiences don’t get any worse than this. I feel like the urge to die.

 

 ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ 

 

 

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